Why do I want to leave?

I traveled all day and actually been traveling since Wednesday.  I get in bed, sleep an hour and then I am wide awake.  I tried doing some of the usual things:  an episode of Alf, watching a Netflix, just laying here . . .counting sheep is pointless, so maybe what is needed is a little purging.

I was in Chicago on a school field trip, I was having a drink with a co-worker and she asked me a very, very good question:

Our school is one of the best in the district.  Overall, we have good kids and our Principal is good.  Why would you want to leave?

I responded with the typical explanation of 4 preps and general frustration. . . is that enough to pick up and relocate to a place I know very little about?  A place where I have no family, no roots?  Why am I not trying to move to Seattle (where my mother lives)?

1.  I feel stunted in my growth professionally.  One of my friends said the other week, she has dumbed things down so much, she feels dumb herself.  She thought she had lost vocabulary (she was trying to write an essay for entrance to graduate school and was struggling with the words needed to make her work “graduate level”)  To a degree I feel the same way, I feel that I have adopted some of the words-slang-of my students. . .a downward spiral is occurring

• Part 2 of this is I don’t feel that I could ever be the teacher I want to be in My School.  I’d like to challenge my students to “think deeper”- to really analyze the impact of history on the present . . . to do the work of historians, analyzing various sources.  How could I perfect my craft if I can not get beyond the basics?  My students already whine that my class is their hardest. They claim they work hard, but I know that I am not challenging them enough.  And this year, I feel exceptionally guilty about that.  In the past my students were writing, this year, because of scheduling, they are not writing and therefore, not growing.  Unfortunately, I am not preparing my students for college adequately.

2.  I do not feel valued or appreciated.  I know that the district (based on the walkthrough) and principal like the work I am doing, but somehow that generic “thank you” at the end of every email and memo doesn’t seem to do it.  It just seems like words. . .because if they really did appreciate the work I do, they would give me the appropriate clock time to do it!

3.  I am tired of last minute stuff.  Why should a lack of organization at the district office continue to inconvenience me?  They realize they do not have the meaningless paperwork they should have requested during inservice–wham, urgent announcements are made that it should be completed by 2 pm and it does not matter that you are TEACHING students and you do not have a planning period.  Our school year ends in May.  Students fill out course requests in April. Yet, most years you have NO idea what you are teaching until you show up for day 1 of inservice.  The district has not resolved the block scheduling debacle.    They haven’t even decided an alternative to the block scheduling or if they are going to continue it.   And as side note, how is that I am department chair and I play NO role whatsoever in scheduling of SS courses?   If department chairs actually had some input,  maybe the system would work a little better.
4.  I want to experience a different way of life.  I’d like to move to a city where there is more to do.  More people to meet . . .  have a chance to explore and see new things, do new things.
5.  Sanity.  For those of you who do not know, the pace and atmosphere of the inner city is insane.  If I continue at this pace, I will loose my sanity.  I will have to publish my blog from a mental institution.  I am dying to experience a much calmer way of teaching and a more peaceful way of life.
6.  Secretly, I would like to know:  am I good enough?  Can I teach anywhere?  Or am I just a one hit wonder with my students.   In conversations with others, it felt like teaching in my district was not real teaching (one of my friends actually said so after leaving) because we spend so much time on discipline and other issues.  Are my teaching/learning strategies too babyish?

What would make me stay?

• My students. . .shucks, I love my kids.  They need good teachers . . . this is one of the things that makes the decision to leave sooo hard.
• Inability to secure a job elsewhere

Nightmares

I had two nightmares last night, back to back!

The first one was about the Black history program.  I know it is symptomatic of my lack of control over it.  I started planning the program back in December.  The guest speaker was a friend of Dr. King’s and will be speaking about King’s last moments.  It started out fairly simple.  The choir would sing, the band would play and we’d have student jembe performers and some steppers from a local college.  All of this would be spliced with students making short speeches (30 sec) about famous black leaders and groups.

When we came back to school from Christmas Break, Student Council Matron, had seen some Jembe performers (dancers and drummers).  She said she had a relationship with the leader.  She wanted them to come and do a presentation on Kwanza.  She said it was really powerful.  I thought, “Cool.”  She came back saying that they charged $1200 for the performance.  She would try to talk them down.  A few days later, she said they would charge $300.  I’m still not happy with the price b/c we are paying $300 for TWENTY MINUTES!  She really wants it and she’s already talked to Principal.  Well, I asked her for his number b/c I’d like to talk with him about it.  I need to know what type of equipment he needs, how many performers, confirm times, you know all of the typical stuff.  Remember, I’m the organizer–its my job.  She got very frustrated with me and told me “Let me do the talking to him.  I KNOW HIM!”  Now, this makes me suspicious. . . .so, all of this is going on in my head and  I have a nightmare last night:

I dreamed that we were having the Black History Month program and it was poorly organized.  Poooorly organized.  The kids were talking throughout.  The mics were not working.   The people did not show up.  It was just falling apart.  I sat down in a chair and sighed, saying:  “This IS NOT my fault.  She did this”

Really, this dream is about a lack of control  . . . and how unsure I am about her contact with this man and the price.  Our guest speaker isn’t EVEN charging.  It is a school.  It is a bunch of teenagers.  And this just doesn’t feel right to me.

So, the second nightmare a few hours later in the night:

I dream I am running from someone who has kidnapped me.  I fight and fight and fight.  I use one of their trucks to run away.  They get in a Black SUV and chase me all around town.  It does not matter how many red lights I run or how many turns I make without them, they are still within range of me.  I can’t figure out HOW they are able to chase me like this.  I realize that they have GPS in the truck I’m driving and that is why they are able to catch up to me.  So, I decide that I’ll have to abandon the truck  and go on foot.  I arrive at an elderly ladies house.  It is at this house that I strip down all of my clothes–maybe there is GPS in the clothes,  too or could have they put one in my body?  Anyway, I am climbing on top of the roof and in and out of windows in a neighborhood.  Meanwhile, the old lady is fending off people at the door by pretending to be crazy and not know what the men are talking about. 

I wake up abruptly.  When I awakened in my mind was thinking, “run, run, run.”  I don’t know WHAT this dream means!  *sigh*

A woman’s sacred bag . . . .

***Warning: “Chick Stuff” Post*** Sorry guys. . .

On her blog, Patti talked about the new purse she made. Before she carried a purse, she carried a back pack. ME, TOO!!!! I didn’t see the point in a purse when I had so much more that needed to go with me. I could slip in a stack of papers to grade or a book or extra clothes . . .and I ALWAYS had my laptop on me.

Then one day someone mentioned about my lack of feminine qualities. So, somehow I got it in my head that I needed a purse. I spent several hours one Saturday hunting for the perfect everyday purse. I found one, bought it and retired my backpack. Everyone noticed that I was carrying a purse. Including my students .. . in my law class, we even discussed what was in it. I showed them . . . emptied it out. (We were talking about stolen identities and how women could protect themselves). They were shocked at how little I carried in it. Why do I carry so little? Because nothing can fit in it. No books . . well, any worth reading can’t fit. I only had $2 and some change on that day, they said I wasn’t even worth ripping off. LOL. BTW, my kids knew where I kept my purse. It has NEVER been stolen–I think that lesson worked for me.

So, let me show you this little black bag.

What is in the bag (I decided to clean it out as a result of this post):

• The state rule book for cheer: I’ve been carrying it around since I found it a few weeks ago while moving my classroom
• My wallet—very neat and organize
• Random crumpled receipts (Walmart, sams, costco, bank, the deli, the fabric store)
• Check book—is being removed . . .
• Set of keys for the school building and classroom
• Cosmetic Stuff: Lotion, comb, lip gloss, advil, female products
• 6 pens—blue, black, green, red, purple and pink (only a teacher would have this in her bag)
• A lone paper clip
• Sunglasses in their case
• That big, heavy apple keychain given to the staff on Teacher’s Appreciation Day
• $14.01 in coins—Wooohooo, what a way to save
• $16.00 in loose bills (not in the wallet)
  
• A small paperback PRAYER book. . . I must tell this story as to why I’m carrying it: One day in the spring, I had 3 of my wisdom teeth pulled. B/c I listened to the dentist staff, I didn’t have anyone drive me, stupid in retrospect. I went to Walgreens to have my prescription filled. They said the wait would be at least 2 hours. I had already been sitting in the drive thru lane for 10 minutes. (I didn’t want go in b/c of the gauze in my mouth) Because we knew that pain would set in soon, the lady referred me to the local grocery store. When I pulled into the lot I began to cry, which turned into sobs. I was thinking: I am alone, someone else should be doing this for me, I shouldn’t be driving and I have to go into the store looking like this. I eventually dried my face and went to pharmacy into the grocery store. As I stood in line, I began to cry again. The pharmacists took my prescription and told me it would be 5 minutes. She asked me to have a seat. When I sat on the bench, I began sobbing uncontrollably. The lady who had been standing in front of me in line, reached into her purse and handed me a prayer book (I guess purses are good for something). She told me that she’d just been to see her father who was in the hospital and had gotten from the chapel there. She said it had a prayer for every situation in it. I opened it, flipped through it and prayed the prayer for healing, pain and loneliness. She will never know how much it ministered to me, even though the crying didn’t stop at that moment. I think I’ll carry it until it’s unreadable b/c this is a true and beautiful story about the kindness and thoughtfulness of strangers.

The sad thing is now I carry 2 bags on a typical work day. The little black bag and the big red one. The red one here is my laptop bag. It contains the books, school papers and all the other stuff I can’t fit in my purse. BTW, I have gotten more compliments on the laptop bag than the purse. So why am I even carrying a purse? Because apparently I need to act and be more feminine. Does a purse really make you appear more feminine? How is it that men get away with hauling nothing on their shoulders? Another double standard in this life. Do I really even need a purse? I don’t think so, but I’ll still be carrying it tomorrow. Strange thing that what people say really does affect us.

***After cleaning it out, everything went back in except the checkbook, receipts and $14.01. I just want to let ya’ll know, its much lighter w/o the $14.01 in coins. Below is the after picture.***

Frustration has hit an all time high

This is a chance for all you techies to convince me to stay with wordpress.  I’ve been doing my research online.  Everyone spouts the wordpress is the way to go. People claim it is easier to use.  Easy to customize.   I must disagree.  If you don’t know code, it is NOT easy.  I’m a month out from school.  I don’t have time to learn anything new.  I’ve got to prepare for school and blogging quickly is what I want.  I want to be able to add fun features to the side bars.  I’d like to be able to have more than one page to my blog.  But working within the style sheets is time consuming.  I don’t understand plug ins and widgets.  Someone PLEASE explain to me why this is better than blogger?  Why should I continue to fight with the different layouts?

I’m tempted to jump ship now.  If I haven’t solved my problems by Thursday,  I’m going back to what I know. . . .where I didn’t have to understand CSS and I could find people to help me easily. No offense, Joel.  You know ton’s but you are not my personal tech assistant and I can’t continue to bug you with these problems.  You are smart and you prob pick this stuff up pretty quickly, but this history girl doesn’t quite get it!  I need step by step instructions for idiots and I just haven’t been able to find this with wordpress.

I’ve got more probelms than just word press, I’m even having problems in windows.  I thought it was a virus or spyware, but even after updating that stuff I’m still having issues.  The problem is that window just close when they feel like it.  I can be typing something in IE or Word and the window will just close.  No error message.  And outloook express, just pops open when it feels like it.  It just opens at random.  I can walk away from my computer with all the windows closed, but when I come back.  Outlook express is open.  It is like this machine is possessed.  Any solutions?

This is what I do with my insomnia.  Its 3:00 am and I’ve got to be up 6:30 and I know I’ll be like the walking dead tomorrow. And I’ll have a short temper like I did today–lack of patience for schizo, off conversation, off task colleagues.  Maybe, I need to start taking pills of some sort.